I Love Me, And I Feel It.

Ok, I don't always feel it. Do you?

Time to pull out an oldie, but goodie. Today's "holiday" can put tummies in a twist, and bring up irritation. It can also calm and nourish us, if we let it, even if we don't have a loving to buy us roses or give us a back rub. Easier said than done? I hear you!

I Loved Me for the First Time

When I was studying to be an Ayurvedic Health Counselor at the Kripalu School of Ayurveda in 2014, I had a very strange and memorable experience. We were in a Thai Massage Self-Care workshop with a former student who I adored. Motown was bringing grins and lyrics to lips and voices around me. I felt my anger rising. When I am angry I usually know why, or at least I thought I did. The heat kept building within me and I wanted to leave the room. I couldn't justify it, so I stayed. By the time we were near the end of class and lying on our backs resting in shavasana, hands on chest, I was sobbing as silently as I could.

Between gasps of breath I heard,

"I love you, I love you, I love you,"

in my mind. I knew I was speaking to myself words I never had before and meant them. The tears flooded again and another student came to comfort me. I suddenly had the urge to write. A poem on a wing and if I didn't catch it, it'd be gone. I sat up in my bunk late and the following spilled from heart to keys. I reread it to remind myself of the possibility. Perhaps I was angry, because I wasn't loving me. I still get angry. And sometimes it is because I know it's up to me to show me love, to receive love, to believe love. That's my job alone.

Others could love me in all the perfect ways, but if I don't believe it, if I don't agree that I am undeniably lovable, and love myself, it will never sustain beyond the moment of expression. I hope my story taps your own desire to love you today.

- - - - - - - - - -

I LOVE ME

It may have been the first time.

Getting beyond the shock of that, I can believe …

I told myself tonight, "I love me."

I want “I Love You”

Tattooed on my wrist.

Left arm so I can

See it

Forearm so I can’t

Hide it, even from myself

Three times I heard a voice in my head, so deliberately

“I love you, I love you, I love you”

I realized it was me.

It wasn’t a desire or the imagination of someone else’s voice

Or even me forcing those words toward myself like leftovers I must eat

For fear of being guilty otherwise—

The only way I think I have said it before—

It was me

Not even God telling me

But, that great being who spread light to create me

Has allowed me the gift of hearing myself

Telling me

I love

Me

This is my mountain top. I am my mountain top

What will this new world be like now that I love myself?

What can I see from up here? What will I hear?

Who can hear me? I don’t care

Helllloooooooo---aaaauuuuummmm

I can hear me

A full, alto radiant vibration

I can do anything

And not to spite or to prove

Or for money

Or because I have to

I want “I love you” tattooed on my arm where I can see it

On my forearm so I can’t hide

I want to read it and reread it

More times than I take my pulse for Ayurveda

Twice daily

I want to read it and believe it like the first time

This first time

I want to read it

And believe it

And not need ANYONE else to say it.

These are my words

These three words I spoke to 2 parents, one brother, 4 boyfriends, one husband and countless friends and mentors

Tonight, tomorrow, forever

Their mine

My voice doesn’t need or like to be stretched outward only.

It grows faint, or begins to shout

For fear it will stop coming out or no one will hear it

Seeking the kind of attention that causes its owner to no longer want to be near it

My soothing words can light

Internal caverns deep,

damp and dark with

I love me

I love me

And I feel it

There is no shame

There is no shame is falling down on cross country skis

Or in accepting an open heart, hand or smile from someone giving it willingly

There ought not be doubt or pride in hearing truths of me—generosity, grounding, whimsical, tenacious, creative, friend-maker, comforter—these are all who I am

And want to be

So, you can tell me, I will always like to hear it.

But just so you know,

No…

Just so I know

I love me, and I know I am beautiful,

Strong, brave, courageous, inspiring,

Peaceful, loving, warming, kind, generous, and probably other things.

I no longer need to hear it from you!

Ha! I said I don’t need your compliment!

I know my pants are cute

I don’t need your affirmation; I know my soul is true

I don’t need your pity, I can cry this one out, and smile fulfilled on the other side

I don’t need you to feel ashamed or to cut you to feel sane,

I just need you

To love you.

I will know I love you for the rest of my life.

I don’t need to tattoo that anywhere on my left side

But those words for me

They make me proud now

They

Are

My

Life

I want them on my left and to feel them left and right

I want to see I love me even on the days I am constipated or have parasites

I want to see I love me on the mornings I wake up late

And after late night discussions that will no longer make my heart break

Nothing can

I want to see I love me

Daily

These words alone can sustain

Me

I want to see I love me when I look down in the shower at my belly and wonder if I have love handles

And love them even if they are visible to others

I want to see I love me when I feel for the beating of my spirit

I want to see I love me

I want to feel I love me

In this oneness of me

I want to feel I love me

I want to love me

And for the first time

Yes, really, the first time

I do.

written on 2/18/14 by Andrea Bachman